I. Drop.
The film-coated capsule into a measuring cup filled with water
Stirring with savant precision, I've done this so many times
Trembling hands struggle to keep hold of the circling spoon
I know once dissolved, the mixture will meet my lips and
Absolve me of this anxiety
Sip from 300ml to 100ml
Save the rest in case I need a top-up, and if I don't...
It's discarded. It's otiose. Just superfluous fluid for another
Day
*
How many consecutive mornings have I stirred?
I need to give my body a break from medication, don't I?
My worst fear is to become tolerant of sorcerous medicine
It helps, though it also harms
! Risks VS Benefits !
As the day brightens and the pros outweigh the cons
I thrive for another morning, knowing the carceral crash is
Destined for late afternoon
Rinsing and repeating for the sorry (am I?) sake of efficacy
This medicine works. At a cost.
(c) Edward Swafford 2026
Author's Note: I battled crippling anxiety and agoraphobia for the better part of 14 years, until I trialed a new medication in 2024.
It acted as a functional "miracle" cure, yet not without physical side effects, which still affect me. Sometimes they make me question how I've found myself in this position.
I essentially take a medication that's causing physiological stress to treat my natural psychological stress.
Untreated psychological stress also causes physiological stress; thus, the benefits of my medication outweigh the drawbacks. It can feel like a looping circle of hyper self-management at times, which is frustrating.
Living an agoraphobic life robbed me of almost everything, and I wouldn't wish a literal "fear of fear" on anyone.
So, at least I'm living a real life now. I keep my chin up and carry the fuck on.
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About the Creator
Edward Swafford
Hello! I'm an Australian writer and healthcare professional. I've written on Medium for over three years, run Black Coffee Creative on Substack (over 1000 subscribers), with select work published in lit mags 😴.
Edgy syntax is my bailiwick.
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Comments (15)
Congratulations on the honourable mention!
Wooohooooo congratulations on your honourable mention! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Congrats!
This was amazing. Thank you for writing this.
Riveting writing Edward! So inspiring! Thx 4 sharing!
Kudos to your bravery of sharing your situation and I'm glad you're able to live a better life now. Congrats on getting top story.
Wow! You've been through some kind of a wringer. I can't imagine how difficut that must have been for you. I'm glad you're getting out there, even if it is because of medication. All the best! 💜
Yeah this is very good and relatable - in some respects. I need to come back to this to soak it in a bit more. I don’t like to write short ‘it was good’ comments lol when people talk about their mental health. .but I just had way to much bacon, eggs and onion for lunch and I’m about to pop like Violet from Willy Wonka! 😅
Soothing wordplay, even with anxiety inducing content... If you dont have low blood pressure, have you tried making a tea of Motherwort Herb? Let a tablespoon of dried herb soak in hot water for 5 minutes... strain and then sip/drink... dont do too much of it. It lowers blood pressure and resets the nervous system... you can drink once or twice a week for a few weeks... then stop it... then only use as needed. Some people get same results using just tincture... but I did not. Wish you the best....
Excellent wordplay and honest internal speculation. I really enjoyed reading this and could relate.
Congratulations on your Top Story ❤️ 🎊 🎊
I think that if the benefits outweigh the risks, then it's a godsend. I understand how paralyzing life can be as an extremely anxious person without the proper medication. I do not suffer from agoraphobia, but my youngest daughter did when she was in high school. We've had a lot of "stuff" to deal with over the years, especially after escaping her abusive father. She's come a long way. We both have. Wishing you the best, Edward. "The Cause Is The Cure" is going to stick with me. Congratulations on your top story❣👏😊
Edward! you have, again, drawn me in and turned me about with your words. I'm sitting with lots of thoughts and stirrings (sorry...am I?). the irony...the contradiction...of the fear of becoming tolerant to sorcerous medicine. tolerance to magic. fear of tolerance to magic medicine administered to dissolve fear. ooft. OOFT! ✨💖
Your story really shows the daily balance and determination it takes to live with anxiety while managing the side effects of medication.
I love the way you've captured your daily cycle. Your medication sounds complicated, but I'm happy it's working for you :-)