Is it OK to Grow Apart From Your Adult Children?

I’ll never forget running into my friend at the grocery store. I hadn’t seen her for a while. We had been good friends when our kids were little. Now that they were adults, we had lost touch a little bit.

As we were catching up, I told her my son was moving several states away for his first real job. My husband and I were having a hard time with the transition.

She told me of course, not to worry. Her three boys were scattered across the country, and she didn’t speak to them all that often. In fact, when one of them did call, she felt it was almost an inconvenience.

I thought wow, she was such an involved mother when they were younger. What happened? Life happened. That’s what. And maybe distancing yourself a little from your kids is a good thing.

Psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein says it is:

”The truth is, many adult children go through phases of hot-and-cold closeness. Stress, relationships, financial struggles, or even just different communication styles can make them withdraw. The problem is that when parents over-pursue, they often feel disrespected, unseen, and emotionally drained.”

In this Psychology Today article, he emphasizes how important it is not to “chase” your adult child.

He says shift from chasing to anchoring. Protect your well-being and preserve your dignity.

My favorite point that he makes is that you don’t need to fix everything. And silence doesn’t mean abandonment. Sometimes adult kids need their space. But it is good for them to know that you are there when they need you.

I found an interesting Reddit thread about this topic. The OP lives on the East Coast where she raised her children. Now they are in college and she is divorced from their dad.

This empty nest mom really wants to move back to the West Coast where she grew up. But is worried about leaving her kids. They both insist they want to settle near home.

The commenters unanimously agreed that the OP should move to the West Coast because now that the kids are grown, it’s time to follow your own dreams.

And as one Redditor pointed out, her children say they want to stay close to home after college, but life happens and plans change. They could each meet someone or get a job that takes them to another country!

I agree. Follow your passions. You did a good job raising your kids because now they are independent. It is your turn to fly. Also, I have heard time and time again, never follow your kids, or in any way, alter your life for them.

In my 20’s, I moved four times! So it would have been ridiculous for my parents to follow me. In one of my jobs, I lived in a small town in Mississippi…Pretty isolating. So it was interesting. My colleague’s mother moved there from Ohio to live with her. It seemed to work out well.

In fact, my friend’s mom loved the area and ended up staying after her daughter moved to Alabama. By this time, my colleague was engaged.

I think that may have been a rare instance where moving with your adult child actually worked.

My other friend moved with her husband from Florida to Alaska to be with their daughter. But I think they were looking to make a move there anyway, and having a child in the area was icing on the cake.

I agree with this statement from Dr. Bernstein, “Consistency beats intensity.” I take that to mean, be there for your kids, but don’t force them to maintain the same level of communication all the time.